After a 3 month hiatus, I went back on Xbox Live and picked up Call of Duty 4 out of my dusty game chest. Fragging noobs with my friends and prestiging all came back to me as I mowed down Russian sepratist scum or Op-For (aka Towel Heads, Camel Jockeys). However I realized that my favorite thing to do is piss off and offend the fellow 3 million players I go up against. Here are my top ten things:
10. Stand in the Middle of doorways and prevent them from going into other rooms. This is when I go and get a snack or go to the bathroom, leaving my headset on to here their screams in anger, telling me to “move my dumb-ass,” or “Im gonna rape your entire family if you don’t move.” Classy.
9. Teabag Teammate Snipers so their view is blocked, and giving their position away. People on COD4 are very adamant about their skill. Most of the higher ranked players only like to snipe (because they can not go in the trenches and do well.), so what better way to tick them off is to let them taste my virtual ballsack, over and over again. You will also reap the rewards when you get away in time and have the opposing team’s sniper kill your virtual ball rag.
8. Sing awesomely awful 80s songs in a yentil- like voice. You guys think my teammates would like to hear my rendition of Billy Idol’s White Wedding Pt. 1 or Phil Collins’s Suissido, while sounding like the old lady at the jewish. Oy, my cataracts are killing me bubala!.
7. Insult the annoying children who play this game with their annoying friends. You have not experienced Live if you haven’t played against 10 year olds with voices that sound like Mickey Mouse. They get very overly excited whe they get a kill (which is all they get in a round, along with 23 deaths, killing your chance at victory.) and curse loudly when they die (which is often.) What better way to insult them by telling them to take the game back to the store for Viva Pinata or Avatar: The Last bald asian kid something or other. Even better, if they tell you a Mom joke, tell them that at least your balls have dropped and you are capable of sex. ewww
6. Purposely misunderstand what people say and make sound very dirty and cruel. I was playing with this chick one time, who kept bad mouthing her brother. She said:
”O, my brother sucks all the time!”
” OMG, you suck your brother off all the time! Lucky Bastard!”
“I didn’t say that. Hey bro, don’t push me with your finger!”
“Your brother fingers you? Wish it was my *$%!”
She leaves.
Epic Win.
5. Teabag Teammates while in last stand. The last stand perk occurs when you take so much damage, you fall to the ground and you try to take out the enemy with your pistol. What a great time for them to taste my balls! As they lay there prone, melee their face with your pork sword.
4. Knifing teammates constantly throughout the match. Although this is very subtle, constantly hearing that swooshing sound of your knife hitting your teammate will drive him insane, causing him torun into claymores or getting his head blown off, just to avoid you. Like Chinese water torture, the most subtle can be the most deadly.
And Now My Three Favorite…
3. Treating guys with high-pitched voices as if they were hot women. Much like purposely misunderstanding what people say, this is how a convo will go:
“OK, let’s go flank the other team.”
“OMG you sound so hot.”
“What?!”
“You have nice boobs? Please have nice boobs.”
“?!??!”
“Show them to me!”
2. Telling Hardcore players that I use mods, when I really don’t” There are people who play COD4 so much that they play 17 hours a day sometimes. Whenever someone does something that doesn’t comply with them, they act like 5 year olds and pitch a hissy fit. For example, if someone kills them, they will yell at you saying you use a modded controller or modded your Xbox. I enjoy lying to them, telling the sole purpose I do it is to piss off losers like them who have only seen a vagina when they were born. Sometimes I like sending them pictures off my modded control (which in reality is a Guitar Hero controller.)
1. Using the Grenade Launcher (aka Noob Tube.) This is one where EVERYONE gets pissed. No matter who it is, they always get sand in their vaginas over it. I like to thank Corey for showing me to gain extra nub tubs with the overkill perk. 4 nubs = Lots of death.
I still remember singing Chocolate Rain to everything in that game and having our whole clan do that. Good times.
well hans that never pissed everyone off because of the sheer awesomeness