The portly god of gaming is challenging all comers to a pie eating contest. If you win, you may possibly somewhat maybe get a vague new cocktease information on Half-Life 3! Here is what Newell had to say:

Gamers everywhere are constantly asking us about Half-Life 3. We’ve been quiet about it all and it seems everyone is searching for new clues on this possible title. I won’t say we are working on it, but maybe we are? Or possibly not? Anyhow, this thurst for possible knowledge on Half-Life 3 is why I am issuing this challenge.

As you all know, I love eating. A LOT. Currently, I am the Official Pie Eating Champion of the Delaware Ellendale County Fair as well as various other prestigious counties. I NEVER LOSE. I will take on all challengers. Come get me! If you can beat me in a pie eating contest I will maybe possibly divulge info on Half-Life 3. Will it be a blurry picture of a hat with a Half-Life 3 logo? Someones snotty napkin with a smear that resembles HL3? Does the game even exist in development?! Who knows? That is what is so exciting about it all! If you can topple this pie champion you may find something out!….Maybe!

So how do you feel about this challenge? Think you can defeat the pie master, Gabe Newell at his own game?

Voldo is getting excited while fighting Kilik.

Soul Calibur V features enhanced boob physics, making the female characters much more bouncy. Soul Calibur V is also the first video game to feature dong physics, giving male characters’ members a realistic sway as they move around completely exposed after their armor is broken.

While it is still possible to break your opponent’s armor in Soul Calibur 5, the characters are no longer wearing undergarments. This is a major relief to parents who have voiced concern over their children seeing women wearing nothing but panties in the previous Soul Calibur games. It is also much easier to break your opponent’s armor in Soul Calibur V. One or two hits is usually enough to leave your opponent completely nude.

Soul Calibur V will also feature an upgraded character creator. It will feature an enhanced breast size editor, allowing you more control to make your character’s cup size anything from a tiny DD up to a massive MMM. New in Soul Calibur V, you will also be able to choose the length and girth of your male characters’ schlong. After a lawsuit by a prominent nudist colony over the inability to make characters completely nude, Soul Calibur 5 gives players the option to create their ideal character, sans costumes and undergarments.

Ivy's Big Reveal

To further customize your characters, Soul Calibur 5 has also introduced a special unlockable “Mix-and-Match” feature, allowing your to mix and match body features of your custom characters. With Mix-and-Match, you will be able to create characters that feature both DDD breasts as well as a 12in doinker. The sex you chose for your character is no longer a barrier to customization. This allows you to make a character that is truly fun for everyone! Mix-and-Match can be unlocked by beating Arcade Mode using Ivy. Upon completion of Arcade Mode, Ivy will reveal something we’ve all known all along and the Mix-and-Match option will be activated.

It is refreshing to see a video game as progressive as Soul Calibur V. While staying true to the straight male demographic that made the series what it is today, Soul Calibur V also adds something for its gay male and straight female players. [Spoiler Alert] Ivy’s big reveal in Soul Calibur V also raises awareness of the problems faced by the transgendered people in our society. [/Spoiler] Soul Calibur 5 is really a game that people from all walks of life can enjoy.

The Unico systemo logo.

Unico finally made its worldwide debut at CES 2012. The systemo is the first and only system from Mexico and is said to “Make all other systems cry to their madres” according to celebrity spokesperson, Danny Trejo. That’s right! Danny Trejo, star of Desperado and, more recently, Machete is the corporate mascoto for this cutting edge systemo.

The systemo is said to play every game from every console known to man, from Caleco Vision, to Atari, Nintendo, CDi, Playstation, Dreamcast, 360, PS3, Wii and everything else. It does so without even breaking a sweat. In addition, it features a beefy new processor that dwarfs the competition, making even the most powerful PC gaming master race “look ma I’m forever alone and spent $7,000 on my PC” look puny. Full specs are listed below:

Amigo 7000 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999Ghz 32 Core Processoro

Con Queso Graphics Card with 999,999,999 TB RAM and Directx 30

2024 TB onboard RAM

Matrixo of Leadershipo

Powered by 14 Energon Cubes

Support for 24K resolutiono and 5D

You read right, 5D! The extra two are time and space, respectively. The systemo comes with wireless controllers with transformation capabilities to accommodate playing games from “lesser” consoles. However, the Unico’s original games are where it is at. Launch titles planned are:

1. Paco’s Taco – Join Paco in his hilarious mis-adventures in the Enchilada Kingdom action adventure platformer. He must free all the tacos from the evil Chile con Carnevil dictator. Over 50 stages of non-stop, heart pounding action!
2. Don Quijote’s Revenge – That damn windmill is back, and it’s up to Don Quijote to save the day! Play through this epic hack and slasher and learn the secrets of his past!
3. Calle Guapo de Supremo 4 – Kung fu fighting has never been so awesome! Get a kick in the face with brutal graphics, amazing real time sweat physics and over 100 fighters!
4. Super Mercenario Bros. – Guerilla Warfare in Central America just got epic. SMB is a unique blend of FPS and Platform gaming for an earth shattering, genre twisting game that will assault the senses in 5D.
5. Empañada Piñata the Chihuahua and the Golden Taco – The mascot for the Unico systemo. This wacky adventure game follows the exploits of Empañada as he goes on a great quest for the Golden Taco. Set in Guadalajara, you must gather clues and swashbuckle your way to the truth and claim the prize of the most sought after Golden Taco.

Behold, the Unico Systemo. The world's most advanced game console.

The Unico systemo also ups the ante by being the first and only video game system, or “juego electronico systemo” for our Mexicano readers, by coming with a built in deep frier. Why a deep frier, you may ask? We asked Danny Trejo this very thing.

Danny Trejo:

You see gringo, other less superior systemos have achievements and trophies. Well, the Unico has “Los Rewardos”. What is “Los Rewardos”, you ask muchacho? Only the most sophisticated form of reward in any game machine…and the best damn thing ever! You see gringo, once a player earns a rewardo, the Unico systemo fries a chimichanga and gives you one as a reward. You see, that is the power of a real man’s systemo. the Unico!

The Unico will enter the market later this year and preorders are available via Pablo on Tres y Media street in Mexico. Just look for his burro and taco truck. Say “Danny Trejo sent me here” and you will also receive a free tortilla shell with the Unico logo emblazoned on it as a gift! Preorder bonuses will be announced closer to the release date. We should have a hands-on demo-o and more details soon. We can’t wait!

This weekend, Ný and Hans were invited to attend the prestigious Nintendo 3DS Show at the SouthPark Mall in beautiful Strongsville, Ohio to promote 8Bit Bites. Mall shoppers had a rare opportunity to meet Ný, Hans, and Santa Claus as they hurried to begin their Christmas shopping Saturday night. Shoppers who were cool enough to bring their 3DS system also received exclusive Mii versions of 8Bit Bites writers, Ný and Hans, as well as a plethora of Official Nintendo Drone™ Miis, all promoting 8bitbites.com in their StreetPass greeting.

The event featured a variety of new Nintendo 3DS games for young shoppers to try out, in the hopes that Santa’s elves will disregard copyright laws and make a copy of their most-wanted games in Santa’s workshop in time for Christmas Eve delivery.

There were also a number of very knowledgeable Nintendo representatives there to answer any questions shoppers may have regarding the Nintendo 3DS. One gamer asked a Nintendo rep how the 3D feature works on the 3DS, to which he was able to give the very technical answer “it’s some kind of crazy Japanese thing!” So that’s how they do it! Those crazy Asians can do anything…

If you would like 8Bit Bites to come to your gaming event, let us know in the comments!

Imagine: Exotic Dancer is the second Imagine title to be released for the 3DS. In this exciting new game, young girls have the opportunity to explore the glamourous life of an exotic dancer.

In Imagine: Exotic Dancer, you are in full control as you design your own outfits, customize your own makeup, and choreograph your own dance routines. In this empowering game, you decide who gets a lap dance, who gets to slide singles into your g-string, and who you will take back to the VIP room. In Imagine: Exotic Dancer, YOU are the star!

On start-up, you get to create a fully-customized dancer. The character creator is similar to the 3DS Mii Maker, allowing you to create a dancer who looks like you. You even have the option to use the camera to create your dancer. One major improvement over the Mii Maker is that you have to option to customize your character’s bust size. Once you have created your dancer, you can design your first costume and choreograph your first dance routine from a list of moves you have learned.

Because the game is targeted toward a younger demographic, the gameplay is very simple. You simply dance for the gentlemen in the club by selecting from a list of moves that you know. You will unlock new moves as you progress through the game and become a better dancer. The better you dance, the more excited the gentlemen will get, and the more money you will earn. The cash you earn can then be used to purchase sexier outfits to keep your clients coming back for more!

Imagine: Exotic Dancer takes full advantage of the 3DS system’s features. The 3D affects are amazing and you will feel like you are actually in front of the stage as you watch your dancer gyrating in front of her audience. You can also use the 3D camera to put yourself into the scene! Simply snap a photo of your face and it will be edited onto your favorite dancer’s body! With Streetpass, these 3D photos can then be shared with your friends and random 40-year-old passers-by on the subway.

As a woman, it is very refreshing to see more female-centered games like this in a male-dominated industry. Imagine: Exotic Dancer is an empowering game for young girls and is sure to remain a fan-favorite for years to come. This game is a must-have for every young lady on your list this holiday season.

Ný here. I just wanted to take a short break from my Turkey Day kitchening to review a game that is very dear to my heart. A game that I feel captures perfectly the spirit of Thanksgiving.

I have fond memories of playing Custer’s Revenge as a little girl. As a historically accurate portrayal of the Battle of Little Bighorn, Custer’s Revenge is not only a fun game for children, it is also very educational.

Custer’s Revenge is also a great source of moral and social lessons, though it was not without controversy. Released by Mystique for the Atari 2600 in 1982, in a time when interracial relationships were still seen as taboo, Custer’s Revenge broke through these social barriers. It is unfortunate that the world was not yet ready for such progressive thinking in a video game. Because it featured a romance between a white man and a Native American woman, Custer’s Revenge was the subject of much criticism in the gaming industry and it was eventually pulled from the market.

At it’s heart, Custer’s Revenge is an amazing story of love and loss. Even though their people tried keep them apart, General Custer was willing to brave arrow-fire to be with Revenge, the Native American woman for whom his heart so longed. If you are able to help General Custer survive the long trek to the other side of the screen, the star-crossed lovers can finally be together. Custer’s Revenge is truly a romance for the ages.

In Custer’s Revenge, General Custer is able to put racial and cultural differences aside and freely give of himself to his Native American lover, just as the white men freely shared their bounty and blankets with their Native American brethren at the very first Thanksgiving. It almost brings a tear to your eye!

The gameplay itself is very engaging. You can easily spend hours dodging those arrows in order to help General Custer to the other side of the screen so he can be with his love, Revenge, at long last. Though the controls are somewhat complex, they aren’t difficult to learn.

The graphics are also very well done. The character sprites are very detailed and life-like. The animation is smooth and the sprites’ movements feel very natural. Mystique really made the characters come to life! The textures used in the backgrounds are also very realistic and make you feel like you are actually there, in the wild west!

The soundtrack for Custer’s Revenge is very catchy. The music featured in the game does a great job of capturing the emotions of the characters.

Custer’s Revenge is a great game for all ages. It is sure to remain a classic for years to come.

Gameplay: 8.5
Soundtrack: 9
Graphics: 8.5
Replay Value: 10
Overall: A-

As you can see, no one has updated this blog in over a year. But the dry spell is over and we will soon be taking this blog in a whole new direction.

I just wanted to use this post to introduce myself. My name is Ný. As a female gamer, I will be posting reviews of awesome games like Party Babyz (with a Z!) and Cooking Mama when I’m not too busy shopping and baking.

Stay tuned for new posts! All of us here at 8Bit Bites will be updating this blog with awesome new content soon. It will be BIGGER, better, and much more EPIC than ever before! But for now, I have to get back to the kitchen.