The portly god of gaming is challenging all comers to a pie eating contest. If you win, you may possibly somewhat maybe get a vague new cocktease information on Half-Life 3! Here is what Newell had to say:

Gamers everywhere are constantly asking us about Half-Life 3. We’ve been quiet about it all and it seems everyone is searching for new clues on this possible title. I won’t say we are working on it, but maybe we are? Or possibly not? Anyhow, this thurst for possible knowledge on Half-Life 3 is why I am issuing this challenge.

As you all know, I love eating. A LOT. Currently, I am the Official Pie Eating Champion of the Delaware Ellendale County Fair as well as various other prestigious counties. I NEVER LOSE. I will take on all challengers. Come get me! If you can beat me in a pie eating contest I will maybe possibly divulge info on Half-Life 3. Will it be a blurry picture of a hat with a Half-Life 3 logo? Someones snotty napkin with a smear that resembles HL3? Does the game even exist in development?! Who knows? That is what is so exciting about it all! If you can topple this pie champion you may find something out!….Maybe!

So how do you feel about this challenge? Think you can defeat the pie master, Gabe Newell at his own game?

The Unico systemo logo.

Unico finally made its worldwide debut at CES 2012. The systemo is the first and only system from Mexico and is said to “Make all other systems cry to their madres” according to celebrity spokesperson, Danny Trejo. That’s right! Danny Trejo, star of Desperado and, more recently, Machete is the corporate mascoto for this cutting edge systemo.

The systemo is said to play every game from every console known to man, from Caleco Vision, to Atari, Nintendo, CDi, Playstation, Dreamcast, 360, PS3, Wii and everything else. It does so without even breaking a sweat. In addition, it features a beefy new processor that dwarfs the competition, making even the most powerful PC gaming master race “look ma I’m forever alone and spent $7,000 on my PC” look puny. Full specs are listed below:

Amigo 7000 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999Ghz 32 Core Processoro

Con Queso Graphics Card with 999,999,999 TB RAM and Directx 30

2024 TB onboard RAM

Matrixo of Leadershipo

Powered by 14 Energon Cubes

Support for 24K resolutiono and 5D

You read right, 5D! The extra two are time and space, respectively. The systemo comes with wireless controllers with transformation capabilities to accommodate playing games from “lesser” consoles. However, the Unico’s original games are where it is at. Launch titles planned are:

1. Paco’s Taco – Join Paco in his hilarious mis-adventures in the Enchilada Kingdom action adventure platformer. He must free all the tacos from the evil Chile con Carnevil dictator. Over 50 stages of non-stop, heart pounding action!
2. Don Quijote’s Revenge – That damn windmill is back, and it’s up to Don Quijote to save the day! Play through this epic hack and slasher and learn the secrets of his past!
3. Calle Guapo de Supremo 4 – Kung fu fighting has never been so awesome! Get a kick in the face with brutal graphics, amazing real time sweat physics and over 100 fighters!
4. Super Mercenario Bros. – Guerilla Warfare in Central America just got epic. SMB is a unique blend of FPS and Platform gaming for an earth shattering, genre twisting game that will assault the senses in 5D.
5. Empañada Piñata the Chihuahua and the Golden Taco – The mascot for the Unico systemo. This wacky adventure game follows the exploits of Empañada as he goes on a great quest for the Golden Taco. Set in Guadalajara, you must gather clues and swashbuckle your way to the truth and claim the prize of the most sought after Golden Taco.

Behold, the Unico Systemo. The world's most advanced game console.

The Unico systemo also ups the ante by being the first and only video game system, or “juego electronico systemo” for our Mexicano readers, by coming with a built in deep frier. Why a deep frier, you may ask? We asked Danny Trejo this very thing.

Danny Trejo:

You see gringo, other less superior systemos have achievements and trophies. Well, the Unico has “Los Rewardos”. What is “Los Rewardos”, you ask muchacho? Only the most sophisticated form of reward in any game machine…and the best damn thing ever! You see gringo, once a player earns a rewardo, the Unico systemo fries a chimichanga and gives you one as a reward. You see, that is the power of a real man’s systemo. the Unico!

The Unico will enter the market later this year and preorders are available via Pablo on Tres y Media street in Mexico. Just look for his burro and taco truck. Say “Danny Trejo sent me here” and you will also receive a free tortilla shell with the Unico logo emblazoned on it as a gift! Preorder bonuses will be announced closer to the release date. We should have a hands-on demo-o and more details soon. We can’t wait!

This weekend, Ný and Hans were invited to attend the prestigious Nintendo 3DS Show at the SouthPark Mall in beautiful Strongsville, Ohio to promote 8Bit Bites. Mall shoppers had a rare opportunity to meet Ný, Hans, and Santa Claus as they hurried to begin their Christmas shopping Saturday night. Shoppers who were cool enough to bring their 3DS system also received exclusive Mii versions of 8Bit Bites writers, Ný and Hans, as well as a plethora of Official Nintendo Drone™ Miis, all promoting 8bitbites.com in their StreetPass greeting.

The event featured a variety of new Nintendo 3DS games for young shoppers to try out, in the hopes that Santa’s elves will disregard copyright laws and make a copy of their most-wanted games in Santa’s workshop in time for Christmas Eve delivery.

There were also a number of very knowledgeable Nintendo representatives there to answer any questions shoppers may have regarding the Nintendo 3DS. One gamer asked a Nintendo rep how the 3D feature works on the 3DS, to which he was able to give the very technical answer “it’s some kind of crazy Japanese thing!” So that’s how they do it! Those crazy Asians can do anything…

If you would like 8Bit Bites to come to your gaming event, let us know in the comments!

This next one is the really good stuff.  It is an ad for the new Command and Conquer game, Red Alert 3 starring David Hasselhoff!  There is even a website for it that I strongly urge you to check out at conquerthislife.com.