The portly god of gaming is challenging all comers to a pie eating contest. If you win, you may possibly somewhat maybe get a vague new cocktease information on Half-Life 3! Here is what Newell had to say:

Gamers everywhere are constantly asking us about Half-Life 3. We’ve been quiet about it all and it seems everyone is searching for new clues on this possible title. I won’t say we are working on it, but maybe we are? Or possibly not? Anyhow, this thurst for possible knowledge on Half-Life 3 is why I am issuing this challenge.

As you all know, I love eating. A LOT. Currently, I am the Official Pie Eating Champion of the Delaware Ellendale County Fair as well as various other prestigious counties. I NEVER LOSE. I will take on all challengers. Come get me! If you can beat me in a pie eating contest I will maybe possibly divulge info on Half-Life 3. Will it be a blurry picture of a hat with a Half-Life 3 logo? Someones snotty napkin with a smear that resembles HL3? Does the game even exist in development?! Who knows? That is what is so exciting about it all! If you can topple this pie champion you may find something out!….Maybe!

So how do you feel about this challenge? Think you can defeat the pie master, Gabe Newell at his own game?

Voldo is getting excited while fighting Kilik.

Soul Calibur V features enhanced boob physics, making the female characters much more bouncy. Soul Calibur V is also the first video game to feature dong physics, giving male characters’ members a realistic sway as they move around completely exposed after their armor is broken.

While it is still possible to break your opponent’s armor in Soul Calibur 5, the characters are no longer wearing undergarments. This is a major relief to parents who have voiced concern over their children seeing women wearing nothing but panties in the previous Soul Calibur games. It is also much easier to break your opponent’s armor in Soul Calibur V. One or two hits is usually enough to leave your opponent completely nude.

Soul Calibur V will also feature an upgraded character creator. It will feature an enhanced breast size editor, allowing you more control to make your character’s cup size anything from a tiny DD up to a massive MMM. New in Soul Calibur V, you will also be able to choose the length and girth of your male characters’ schlong. After a lawsuit by a prominent nudist colony over the inability to make characters completely nude, Soul Calibur 5 gives players the option to create their ideal character, sans costumes and undergarments.

Ivy's Big Reveal

To further customize your characters, Soul Calibur 5 has also introduced a special unlockable “Mix-and-Match” feature, allowing your to mix and match body features of your custom characters. With Mix-and-Match, you will be able to create characters that feature both DDD breasts as well as a 12in doinker. The sex you chose for your character is no longer a barrier to customization. This allows you to make a character that is truly fun for everyone! Mix-and-Match can be unlocked by beating Arcade Mode using Ivy. Upon completion of Arcade Mode, Ivy will reveal something we’ve all known all along and the Mix-and-Match option will be activated.

It is refreshing to see a video game as progressive as Soul Calibur V. While staying true to the straight male demographic that made the series what it is today, Soul Calibur V also adds something for its gay male and straight female players. [Spoiler Alert] Ivy’s big reveal in Soul Calibur V also raises awareness of the problems faced by the transgendered people in our society. [/Spoiler] Soul Calibur 5 is really a game that people from all walks of life can enjoy.

The Unico systemo logo.

Unico finally made its worldwide debut at CES 2012. The systemo is the first and only system from Mexico and is said to “Make all other systems cry to their madres” according to celebrity spokesperson, Danny Trejo. That’s right! Danny Trejo, star of Desperado and, more recently, Machete is the corporate mascoto for this cutting edge systemo.

The systemo is said to play every game from every console known to man, from Caleco Vision, to Atari, Nintendo, CDi, Playstation, Dreamcast, 360, PS3, Wii and everything else. It does so without even breaking a sweat. In addition, it features a beefy new processor that dwarfs the competition, making even the most powerful PC gaming master race “look ma I’m forever alone and spent $7,000 on my PC” look puny. Full specs are listed below:

Amigo 7000 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999Ghz 32 Core Processoro

Con Queso Graphics Card with 999,999,999 TB RAM and Directx 30

2024 TB onboard RAM

Matrixo of Leadershipo

Powered by 14 Energon Cubes

Support for 24K resolutiono and 5D

You read right, 5D! The extra two are time and space, respectively. The systemo comes with wireless controllers with transformation capabilities to accommodate playing games from “lesser” consoles. However, the Unico’s original games are where it is at. Launch titles planned are:

1. Paco’s Taco – Join Paco in his hilarious mis-adventures in the Enchilada Kingdom action adventure platformer. He must free all the tacos from the evil Chile con Carnevil dictator. Over 50 stages of non-stop, heart pounding action!
2. Don Quijote’s Revenge – That damn windmill is back, and it’s up to Don Quijote to save the day! Play through this epic hack and slasher and learn the secrets of his past!
3. Calle Guapo de Supremo 4 – Kung fu fighting has never been so awesome! Get a kick in the face with brutal graphics, amazing real time sweat physics and over 100 fighters!
4. Super Mercenario Bros. – Guerilla Warfare in Central America just got epic. SMB is a unique blend of FPS and Platform gaming for an earth shattering, genre twisting game that will assault the senses in 5D.
5. Empañada Piñata the Chihuahua and the Golden Taco – The mascot for the Unico systemo. This wacky adventure game follows the exploits of Empañada as he goes on a great quest for the Golden Taco. Set in Guadalajara, you must gather clues and swashbuckle your way to the truth and claim the prize of the most sought after Golden Taco.

Behold, the Unico Systemo. The world's most advanced game console.

The Unico systemo also ups the ante by being the first and only video game system, or “juego electronico systemo” for our Mexicano readers, by coming with a built in deep frier. Why a deep frier, you may ask? We asked Danny Trejo this very thing.

Danny Trejo:

You see gringo, other less superior systemos have achievements and trophies. Well, the Unico has “Los Rewardos”. What is “Los Rewardos”, you ask muchacho? Only the most sophisticated form of reward in any game machine…and the best damn thing ever! You see gringo, once a player earns a rewardo, the Unico systemo fries a chimichanga and gives you one as a reward. You see, that is the power of a real man’s systemo. the Unico!

The Unico will enter the market later this year and preorders are available via Pablo on Tres y Media street in Mexico. Just look for his burro and taco truck. Say “Danny Trejo sent me here” and you will also receive a free tortilla shell with the Unico logo emblazoned on it as a gift! Preorder bonuses will be announced closer to the release date. We should have a hands-on demo-o and more details soon. We can’t wait!

Anyway, the new software was the new SwapNote program, or rather, a misleading shortcut to a message telling me to go download SwapNote. SwapNote is exactly the same as PictoChat, except you have to send your poorly drawn penis drawings to your friends via SpotPass or StreetPass, rather than through a chat room. Also it doesn’t force your system to shut down when you try to exit the program.

With SwapNote, you can send your crudely-drawn penises to anyone on your friends list via SpotPass or StreetPass. When your friend opens the message, your penis picture will be re-drawn right in front of their eyes! Unfortunately, Nintendo made a slight oversight in that there is not currently a way to send your penis drawings to any random child who has StreetPass enabled as you take your daily stroll through the local playground. Nintendo reps say they are working on this problem and a patch will be available to download in the coming weeks.

As you send more notes, you will unlock lots of other cool features to enhance your penis drawings. As you progress, you will gain features such as:

• 3D capabilities to make your penis drawings “pop out,” as though they are hitting the recipient in the face
• A reply feature, allowing you to send penis drawings back to anyone who shares their penis with you
• Cool stationary to allow you to draw your penis in various different settings
• The ability to attach photos of your actual penis to SwapNote messages

Of course, since I am not a 14 year old boy, I did not draw any penises in SwapNote. Instead, I chose to use the dinner plate stationary and make a respectable kitchening-themed drawing.

My favorite recipe from the old country, Wiener Schnitzel.

And don’t think that penis drawing is the only thing that SwapNote was intended for. The good people at Nintendo are better than that. You can also share drawings of boobs and vaginas.

As we have heard before, Bungie is now a free agent, and not constrained to Microsoft.  With the temptation to go multi-platform being great, Bungie saw the opportunity and jumped on it.

Details are a little scarce at the moment, but Bungie has announced that this PS3 iteration will contain the complete Halo trilogy, ODST, and Halo Reach all on one BlueRay disc.  On top of that, all of the older games will be given a visual face lift with the same graphics engine being used for Halo Reach.  More details will become unveiled at this years E3.

The original Way of the Warrior was a fighting frenzy game on the 3D0, met with fantastic reviews.  Now, Naughty Dog hopes to bring that same bone crushing, fist fighting experience to new platforms.

The new game will feature robust online play, and those who order the special edition will also receive the first Way of the Warrior via DLC!  Details are scarce, but stay tuned for more info as it arrives.

Gamers strapped for cash now face a new dilemma: What games do you get? Here’s a breakdown of some of the most anticipated titles coming out early 2010.

1. Bayonetta – From the stylish creator of the Devil May Cry series, Bayonetta oozes with flash and awe and never lets up.  It’s out right now, and has been receiving great reviews.  For those still on the fence on this try out the demo on XBL or PSN and see what all the fuss is about.
2. God of War 3 – It’s been a long wait, and come March 16th, Kratos fans will finally get to play the third installment in this epic trilogy.  I, for one, can’t wait to see how the story concludes.  The only hard part is knowing this game gets released just one week after another beast of a game which is…
3. Final Fantasy XIII – Square teased us with this game when the PS3 was first announced.  Years later, we find the game will be enjoyed by both PS3 and 360 owners.  Just a few months to go and we can finally see what Lightning, Snow, and all the rest of the gang are all about.  As long as there are chocobos and moogles, I’m in.
4. Mass Effect 2 – The second installment of this trilogy certainly has turned some heads.  Commander Shepard and crew face new threats and old ones, such as the Reapers.  According to Bioware, they hope to gain new audiences who loved RPGs, but just didn’t know it yet.  Hopefully they are right, as this series is truly something that needs to be experienced by more gamers.
5. Bioshock 2 – Andrew Ryan’s underwater utopia gets some more action in this sequel.  This time you take control of the very first big daddy, and finally get to explore the ocean outside of the city.  Will this game live up to its predecessor?

Honestly, the list of anticipated titles goes on and on.  Lost Planet 2, Singularity, Battle Field Bad Company 2, Heavy Rain, Alan Wake, Dante’s Inferno, Super Street Fighter IV…the list goes on.  It looks like 2010 is another great year for gaming.  The question is, will we have the time and money to play them all?